If you are not fortunate enough to be acquainted with the Ashbach family, kill yourself. Or repent of your sins and ask God to be gracious enough to you to let you meet them.
Jonathan Ashbach (17) writes for the Eureka Reporter on a pretty regular basis. His are the articles with humor and logic; those responding to him tend to have a plethora of the former due to a complete absence of the latter. Here are a few of the jokes I've obtained from him at church:
Racist Beer Joke:
A Frenchman, a Brit and a Scot are all sitting together in a pub (yes, suspend disbelief. Assume that they don't know each other's respective nationalities), waiting for a round of the bane of all faithful Seventh Day Adventists .
Their pints arrive, and, as it is a Brit pub, there happens to be a fly in each of their mugs.
The Frenchman, revolted, asks for a new pint in a different mug, while the Brit just spoons the fly out. The Scot, on the other hand, reaches into the mug and grabs the fly. He then starts shaking it upside down, cursing and yelling "All right you, spit it out! Give it back, I said!"
News Report: "Meanwhile, tragedy has struck France, as a factory south of Marseilles that had previously supplied the country with white flags burned to the ground just this morning, completely destroying the nations martial capabilities".
A Catholic policeman in northern Ireland came upon a traffic jam. He hopped out of his car and made his way up to see what was causing the delay, and found that a man was threatening to jump off of a building. He radioed in a brief report, and was told that help was on the way; please keep the man talking about any reasons that he might have not to jump.
So, he grabbed out his bullhorn and started talking to the man.
"Don't jump! Think of your mother!"
"For your father's sake, don't jump!"
"He died of grief six months later."
"For the sake of your siblings!"
"Haven't got any."
"For the sake of your friends!"
"I only had one, and he died this morning."
"For the sake of the Virgin Mary!"
"Jump, you bloody Protestant; you're holding up traffic!"