"Cocaine is God's way of saying you have too much money."
"Happiness is like wetting your pants: everyone can see it, but you're the only one who can feel it."
"What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless."
On the excessive use of makeup:
"If the house needs painting, bring out the brushes."
"If it needs that much paint, remodel."
"Love conquers all, so tace et osculate."
To Mr. Collins: "The only time you open your mouth is to switch feet: I thought men like you shot themselves. Your mother should have thrown you out and kept the stork."
"I could become one with Nature to figure out where the heck Nature is and then kill it."
"Mothers, persistent as Rambo sequels..."
Most of these aren't cited; about half are mine and the rest are either unnamed classmates or were anonymously cited by unnamed classmates. Enjoy.