Thursday, September 23, 2010

Perfecting Prose

There are a couple of quotations that I've been trying to improve, and am at the stage where I'm looking for the opinions of other wordsmithish peoples. Be brutal, have fun: if you think a different word works better to convey the same meaning, tell me. If you think the meaning is stupid, it's probably because God hates either you or me; smart money's on me. After the quote, I'll list the words that I'm already debating. Input is desired. It's kind of the point.

Why do we kill to dissect? Do we not know the bird better on the bough than beneath the blade?

1. kill
2. dissect
3. know the bird better / better know the bird
4. bough

Always remember: the only difference between you and the ones you pity is grace;
the only difference between you and the ones you despise is a choice,
and, but for the choice of God, you would have had no grace,
and, but for the grace of God, you would have had no choice.

1. Always remember
2. difference / distance / something else
3. ones
4. pity
5-6 see # 2 and #3.
7. despise / loathe / something else
8. and, but for
9. would have had

The first one is obviously more refined, with a lot less wiggle room. The second one I want to remain chiastic (A B B' A'), and I want it to end on our choice being allowed by the grace of God, as that is more offensive to us than our grace being dependent upon God's choice. Beyond that, I'm looking for other opinions as to the overall aesthetics of the acoustics.

All input will be valued; some will be valued a lot more highly. It's not a competition, but Sproul already lost. Sorry Sproul. It's just the rules.

Jesse Broussard

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